I found "Lost" myself, "Way to ALLAH"

WAY TO ALLAH

Written by Hadiqa Khurshid

Standing all alone, a cool breeze hits your face so hard that you looked down towards your toes and then looked up… quietly whispered

                                                       “How I made my way towards ALLAH”

Storms of memories come towards your cold eyes and a beautiful reflection of yourself made you numb. Two straight lines of happiness, sorrow, grief, sadness, anxiety, regret followed down towards your cheeks. It’s midnight and your mind tends to think about something that happened many years back.  

 It’s never an easy way for you to find the real path that’s belonging to ALLAH. It’s not easy to keep the love of ALLAH in your heart, Allah always tests His people that weather he/she is capable of my love or not. And to keep the love of Allah your heart must be torn into uncountable pieces for once.

A flash of memory hit you hard… when that SOUL crossed your way… that changed your personality, thinking and your way towards your life completely with open scars and with rhythmic lessons of your life. Who gave you biggest regret of your life, who taught you not to trust anyone except ALLAH.

It happens to every one’s life, that there are some people who made you feel so special and loved you in such a way to believe in the word “MAGIC”. You are in that purest form of feeling where you thought that attractive creature 24/7 and this passion is to that extent that you start mentioning them in your prayers, you prolonged your sujood and ask them from Allah several times, you feel his/her pain so deeply that you start living in a traumatic life, where he/she is your first and foremost priority. And forgetting that ALLAH is most merciful and no one can love you more than ALLAH.

You asked them from ALLAH in every single moment… where you hold to every single word. You asked him/her in the rainy nights, in the nights where everyone is asking for forgiveness. You asked him/her before breaking your fast because at that time prayers never let be down. You asked him/her in tahajad, wet eyes are another side of your alive. You are struggling hard, but you never want to let this struggle as your identity.

Gradually you come to know the real existence of you; you came to know that life is an illusion… No, it’s actually a disaster where you create strong-fade reflection of your loved one. When you try to catch a glimpse of his/her, you find it so colorful that you ever wish for them. But slowly it tears you apart. It acts like a slow, sweet poison that you get addicted to… at last ending up with them.

Every single moment, it proves a murderous delight… with the fact that relationship weakens over time, happiness changes into sorrow and pain may be followed by death. And you start living a life where you sometimes end up stronger at the broken places. You get so quiet that people make thousands of perceptions about you and make the illusion that your life is the best example of perfectness; all this is because of your best acting skills.

            And your friends asked you why you are like this… in return you just posed a fake smile, hiding thousands corrupted thoughts, a thousand voices that never stop to talk, sleepless nights because stress gets the best of you, late night praying, asking… you miss the person you try your best to forget, miss the person who gave you hurt, who never understands your words, family is there but you feel so alone… But no one understands the storm and you always reply with “I AM FINE”.

You want to cry, want to scream, but you stare blankly at the wall. You are in the strange type of depression where tears are not meant to be fall, where the pain is in your eyes, but you tried to stretch your lips, to make the world fool but actually fooling your own self.

You thought you were a great mathematician, where everything is according to your calculations and plans… now look at yourself, you are calculating seconds in the lonely night to forget his/her turning over thoughts.

You tried to put a full stop to your life, you wake up with the heart full of pain and body is aching as hell, it’s not the physical pain but a mental one that disturbs you with regretted tears. You used to see your world revolve around his/her presence but when he/she left your world turned grey and one day you realize you were all alone. Everything is messed up and demons are playing in your head and somewhere you are arguing with your heart that maybe it’s destiny and fate that played their part so well and this all was meant for something else.

             “Isn’t it insanely painful…? To be poisoned by the one who you thought was your cure.”

And finally you realize… you can’t force relationship. You can’t force loyalty or even honesty… sometimes its okay to walk away, especially when you have done everything you could have possibly done. You are not sad because of his/her betrayal but there’s something else that cracks and your soul trembled each time with the regret that you give him/her a special place that’s only meant for ALLAH.

You stop asking him/her from ALLAH not because you don’t want them, not because accepting the reality is more hurtful for you… not because you deserve something better but that special one in your life is not meant for you. This is the most difficult time, where you think that wounds may heal, broken hearts may mend, but these thoughts, feelings and emotions almost killed you, burnt you alive… will always haunt you and for the rest of your life you’ll never be able to trust anyone. You have always questioned yourself…? This is the moment when you don’t know what to say to ALLAH, because there are too many emotions in your heart, so you just cry over the prayer mat.

Then you decided to move on… On the way to ALLAH. But at that time your heart is separated into uncountable pieces and you realized only Allah can pick your pieces and make something better out of it. At that time you were wondering what to do with your life… my life where pain is everywhere, depression and insomnia. Then suddenly when you looked at your mother's face, you saw a bright ray of light… makes you think to get rid of this all hell because there’s much more in your life. Suddenly you realize a special magical spell around you that’s ALLAH.

Indeed you are all alone in the dark, but you realize with the Allah’s help, you can shine brighter than the stars. You come across the fact never put yourself in the situation, where you don't stand in a person’s life. You always thought that you are not strong enough to hold all these emotions and pain. But Allah proves you all wrong. And here’s a reality opens to you that, the only way to stop this pain in your life is to accept the reality that nothing is yours, nothing was yours and nothing will be ever yours. These are worldly attachments, given by Allah, belong to Allah and returning back to Allah.
"AND THESE ATTACHMENTS ARE ACTUALLY FROM ALLAH, WHEN HE WANTS YOU TO COME ON HIS WAY, HE PURIFIES YOU BY FIRST GIVING YOU THE LOVE CALLED “ISHQ E MAJAZI” IF YOU CAN SUCCESSFULLY FALL IN LOVE AND CAN GO THROUGH IT ONLY THEN, I THINK, ALLAH HONORED YOU HIS LOVE “ISHQ E HAQEEQI”. SO “ISHQ E MAJAZI” IS THE TEST-RUN TO GO TO ITS UPPER STAGE WHICH IS “ISHQ E HAQEEQI”.

Today when you turn back, you thank your heart break because HE has made you stronger and you have now stronger believe in Allah. Allah has made you to discover the joy in yourself; you thank Allah for making your heart break into several uncountable pieces because he has introduced you to someone no one else could have… made you understand the self-worth.

Time changes, wound healing… some of them turn into scars. ALL the pain you endure has worth because if you don’t endure this pain, you’ll never find your way to Allah and indeed Allah knows you more than you know yourself. Allah is always by your side, even if no one is and HE is the only one who can pull you through any pain and always remember the fact

                                              “He’s with the one‘s whose heart is torn”

  It’s strange how things which were meant to break apart, end up making us better. Just trust Allah and don’t give up on your life. Worship Allah and do well each day if it’s your last.

Share your thoughts and journeys on your Way to ALLAH.